2021.10.20 - ventures into becoming a normal human being
listening to: mann gegen mann - rammstein
last night i wore new shoes and they rubbed my feet until they bled so i took them off and walked home barefoot. i was still drunk, in a good mood, and all the way home i was listening to rammstein and thinking about S. i fell into my bed around 2am, and i'm pretty sure i got dirt on my bedsheets from my dirty, bleeding feet, but they're dark grey anyway (the bedsheets, not the feet) so i can't really tell.
last night was wonderful. see, i've decided that this year is going to be my year - i'm going to get out of my comfort zone, i'm going to get a fucking life. i'm going to make friends! i'm going to be a normal, functioning human being! i really tried my best last night. i talked to more people than i can count, got drunk enough to loosen up and socialise and practice my language skills. most of the night i was hanging around with a lovely german girl and an equally lovely norwegian girl. i hope i'll see them again, because they were really fun to hang out with, and i got to talk to them in swedish and they understood, on account of mutual intelligibility and all.
i could go on and on about all the people i met there, like the girl who looked just like olivia ainali, or the (sadly heterosexual) norwegian boy with the cool glasses and nice hair. i'm definitely heading to another one of their events soon, the vibes were immaculate. i can't believe i waited this long to join societies and socialise and be a normal university student. i've always been horrifically socially awkward (thanks autism!) but they weren't kidding when they said practice makes perfect. the more i talk to people, the easier it becomes. i've almost perfected introducing myself to a new person and exchanging social medias - now all i've got to work on is turning those new acquaintances into friends. i suck at making friends. i wish they taught us how to make friends in school.
this is the first time i've gone out drinking and haven't made a total fool of myself. i genuinely feel really proud of myself. plus, i don't even have a hangover on account of drinking water before i went to sleep. i'm supposed to go out drinking on thursday too, and meet my friend after her shift at the club ends, but i'm not too sure about going to the club on my own. i might ask if anyone wants to come with me, just so i won't be alone while i wait for her. maybe that's how i'll turn these new acquaintances into friends.
i also have another event coming up, for another society. the society that S runs, actually. god, he's lovely. we keep bumping into each other on campus and we never really have the chance to talk - plus, i clam up like mad whenever i see him. i have so many things i want to talk to him about, but i just don't know how. i asked my friend, "how come he makes me feel so comfortable and happy yet so anxious at the same time?" - turns out that's a crush. it's been so long since i had one of those. it's kind of nice, to be honest. i've just got to pluck up the courage to actually do something about it for once in my life. i can't tell if he knows i like him or not, because somehow whenever i try to drop hints that i like someone, i'm either way too subtle or way too intense about it. i think that intensity tends to scare people off. i don't mean intense in a creepy way, just intense as in "i really like this person and i want to talk to them a lot and spend lots of time with them". maybe they think i'm clingy. i don't know. i don't mean to be weird, i'm just... like that. i'm either far too distant or too close for comfort, i don't know how to find that middle ground.
well, in any case, perhaps when i see him at the event i'll do something. maybe i'll try flirting or something. i have no fucking clue how to flirt, but there's a first time for everything. we'll see how it goes.