2021.11.19 - bomb bruschetta doesn't excuse homophobia

listening to: gekreuzigt - oomph!

a couple blog posts ago i was talking about how i wanted to get involved in more christian activities for young adults, right? so i found this group and it looked really promising. i already knew a couple people there, i'd met them before, everyone had amazing vibes and were so happy and friendly. i went along to an event where there was food and discussion, and up until this morning i was feeling so good about it!

i really enjoyed the company. i was sitting with this girl, who is an absolute ray of sunshine. like genuinely, christian girls just hit different. i even got to thinking that one day i might like to marry one of these wholesome peppy christian girl types, that's how different they hit. there's just something about them, you know? maybe it's their love for god, just radiating from them like sunlight. so me and this girl were chatting, and i kept cracking jokes because i wanted to make her laugh. (though of course, she was so happy and giddy that it really didn't take much to make her laugh.) i kept trying to catch the eye of the other girl i saw last time too, the shy one with the crazy long hair, but i only managed to exchange a few words with her before i left. so anyway, we were talking and eating, and the food there was fucking delicious. i tried bruschetta for the first time, and i cannot stop thinking about it. i really wanna try make it myself.

so overall, it was a good time. good company, good food, good talks, good god. i didn't particularly feel the presence of god there, not even when we were praying. i know he was listening, because he always is, but i really prefer to pray on my own in a quiet (and preferably dark) place, so that all my senses can focus on him and i can really get into "the god zone", if that makes sense. if i'm distracted it's no use. but anyway, fun time, cool time, i liked it.

that is, until this morning, when i was informed that the group i was so pleased about joining is full of people who are hostile to the lgbt community. i was so disappointed, and i felt angry - almost at myself, for being so hopeful and getting my expectations all high. the little voice in the back of my head says "well of course they hate people like you, they're christians, that's what christians do" - to which i say "shut the fuck up little voice, look at me, you can be an lgbt christian". this whole thing got me so upset and angry and frustrated and i even felt angry at god. i still feel a bit angry at god, even though logically i know it's not his fault. none of this is his fault at all, it's not anything to do with him, it's just that some of his followers are self-righteous pricks who could learn a thing or two by opening up their bibles and getting to know jesus a bit more. seriously, sometimes i wonder if we're reading the same book. the jesus i know loves me for who i am, and i know this in my heart.

i really do feel like christian "love" is some of the most poisonous "love" on earth. (of course, understand that i'm not talking about all christians. my congregation is wonderful, and my pastor is wonderful, and my neighbours are wonderful. it's just that there's a disappointingly large number that ruin it for everybody else.) they act all nice to your face, but inside they're judging you and thinking "oh man, that guy's going to hell". i'd almost prefer if they were open about it, if they outwardly called me a faggot or whatever, if they made no show of hiding their disgust for me. it'd be better than acting all nice when they see me and burning in hatred in secret. i cannot stand two-faced people. tell me exactly what you think of me, don't hide it. don't make me think you're my friend when you're only tolerating me to try and "save me from my sinful lifestyle".

i'm gonna take some positives from this, though. so i reached out and got burned, so be it. i'm going to pray and pray and pray, and talk to god about it, and what i should do. i'm going to take this as an opportunity to put real christian love into action in my everyday life, to love people because of who they are, not despite who they are. to love my friends without trying to change them to be exactly like me. i'm going to reach out and see if there are any lgbt christians who want to get together and make our own group. i'll take this bad situation and turn it into something good!