2021.11.21 - gay bruschetta and good vibes

listening to: kaikki kotona - bad sauna

well, i'm feeling better about what i wrote in my last blog post. i actually came to the realisation that it's not christians i need to spend more time with - i need to spend more time with god! i feel like this need i've been feeling, to be in christian spaces, stems from my lack of feeling close to god. and like i said, when i was hanging out with all those christians, i didn't feel the presence of god there at all. i feel god the most when i'm alone. when it's quiet and dark and i'm praying. when i'm laying in the grass on a summer day. when i'm walking in the forest. when there's nobody else around, just me and god. that's when i feel closest to him. so i don't really need to fill my life with christian groups and such, especially not when i don't personally vibe with their theology or general opinions on things. especially not when they're homophobic! i don't even need to stick around for their delicious bruschetta, i can make my own. i have the things for it at home now, i might make bruschetta for lunch tomorrow. gay bruschetta. i'm willing to bet it's tastier than homophobic bruschetta.

i had a great weekend. i smoked on thursday, on my own, because i felt that i deserved it. and on friday, i went to my friend's house for smokes and drinks, and had quite possibly the best evening i've had in a long time. the atmosphere was so perfect. it was just the four of us, good music, good vibes. we were listening to some indie folk rock, the lights were down low, and i felt so happy. it felt like the perfect cosy moment, if i could just capture that moment and live it forever! such a nice evening.

and i didn't even get home well into the morning like i usually do! i left at midnight, pleasantly crossfaded, with one bottle of cider left that i meant to drink when i got home. but of course, we didn't have a bottle opener at home, since my dad doesn't drink. so drunk/stoned me was sitting there trying to open this bottle with scissors, a knife, a lighter... all these different things, all while trying to be as quiet as possible because everyone was asleep. i got so frustrated that i sobered up and went to bed lol. i was just too tired at that point.

when i woke up i felt like my head was wrapped in cotton wool, but i wasn't hungover. i slept for a long time, then woke up and got on with my day. all of yesterday and quite a lot of today, i've been listening to the same indie folk rock as we were listening to on friday night. and all of yesterday and quite a lot of today, i've been dreaming of my future. i have this lovely idea in my head, this idea i'd love to make reality. i've had this idea since the spring of 2019, or perhaps since the autumn of 2018, i'm not too sure. in any case, at the end of 2018, start of 2019, i got this idea in my head after listening to too much satellite stories, that i want to get this little apartment with bright white walls, fill it with musical instruments and art, stick photos and postcards and museum leaflets all over the walls, have a little bed next to the window with a big duvet and lots of knitted blankets, wear thrifted clothes, make lots of paintings and write lots of songs, have all my cool artist friends over for dinner parties in my little kitchen, have a hipster boyfriend with long hair and a moustache, go out to the disco at night and dance to synthpop and drive home listening to life (sun luo) by cledos. that's the way i want to live. that's how i imagine myself living, maybe when i'm in my mid-20s. i want to have artist friends and go to all the local gigs and support local bands. i want to be in a band. i want to make things. i want to be creative. i want to express myself through art and music and fashion.

once i graduate, that's what i'm doing. once i've got my career figured out, i'm gonna get that apartment, i'm gonna live my best life. it feels good to daydream about that again, because for a while now i've felt like i've kind of lost my drive to achieve that dream. like i'd rather live somewhere else, live some different kind of life. but i guess i've been so focused on what i've been doing right now, in university, with my new job and all that shit, that i forgot how to dream of the future. or perhaps i just didn't have the time to dream of the future. i love dreaming of the future. i feel so hopeful. i'm going to live exactly the kind of life i want to live. i'm going to make this life my own!

i feel like i might redo my website's theme. i might go for a different vibe.