2021.11.29 - so deeply unhappy

listening to: haparanda - einár

i'd really just like a break from everything right now. life is so full-on and stressful. i've done so much today, i'm so tired. i have so much to do tomorrow. i have so much fucking shit to sort out and i'd actually quite like to die lol. either that, or disappear. i'd like to throw my phone away and go to another country and change my name and all that shit. i hate bureaucracy. if my goddamn documents don't get approved in time, my whole job will fall through and then what will i do? back to the drawing board?

actually, if everything falls through, that might be my chance to leave this mess that is my life. i could move, study somewhere else, actually begin my life. i feel so suffocated here. i don't want to rot away in this shitty little backwoods town for the rest of my life. i just couldn't do it.

i'm really getting the urge to self harm right now, or go out and get blitzed to fuck and walk around the dark cold streets. i feel so hopeless. how the fuck can i stay afloat? i feel like i'm drowning. it's too much. it's too much.