2021.12.04 - dear god, i'm sorry for being a slut

listening to: pidä huivista kii tatjana - itä hollola installaatio

i am ridiculously easy when i'm drunk. i know that's the case for lots of people, but it's really becoming a problem for me. last night i got kissed by a random guy old enough to be my dad, who i found quite unattractive, but i kissed him back just because i like the attention. i also went home with someone twenty years older than me. and i think it was the type of thing where you like them better when you're drunk than when you're sober. she's a nice person, don't get me wrong, but in the morning i didn't find her as fascinating and charming as i did last night.

i feel so bad. i'm just so desperate for attention. i like the validation, i like the way it feels to have someone interested in me. it's like chasing a high or something. i know it's normal to go out and be "on the pull" so to speak, but to obsessively chase validation and do stuff with people you normally wouldn't look twice at, i feel like it's a bit unhealthy.

you seriously can't take me anywhere when i've been drinking, i'm just an embarrassment to myself and everyone around me. my friends said i was being inappropriate and a bit of a manwhore. they also said i make bad decisions. they're so right. fuck my life big time.