2021.12.08 - falling apart

listening to: anniversary - oomph!

things aren't much better than they were last time i wrote my blog. if anything, they're getting worse. at least i'm not actively suicidal anymore; i think i've just sort of accepted the fact that i'm heading straight towards a disaster. like i'm gonna crash and burn any minute. i'm working on being okay with it. i think i might already be burnt out. i keep trying to catch my breath and i never can. i give myself a day off to try and recover and it does nothing because i can't ever fully relax. the days just keep on going by so quickly and i feel so exhausted and frazzled. please, i just need a breather.

god must really be laughing at me from up on that big cloud or whatever. i dunno, i guess i deserve this. punish me, fuck my life up, maybe then i'll learn for once in my goddamn life. maybe then i'll listen to you for once in my life. i'm hiding from god, i think. i prayed the other night, when i felt so desperate and hopeless all i could do was curl up and wish i was there kneeling in front of jesus with my head on his lap while he pats my head and tells me everything will be alright. other than that, though, i've been hiding. ashamed. i haven't been to church in weeks. i was meant to, this sunday, but i couldn't because i was sleeping all day long. i went out on friday, went home with someone in the early hours of saturday morning, got two hours of sleep and stayed at this girl's (woman's, rather!) house, smoking weed and listening to her talk and wondering what the fuck i was doing there, then walked home and faced my parents and slept. i've felt awful ever since.

i don't want to go out drinking again, not for a long time. i know i say this every time, and i know i never learn my lesson, and i know i really should learn my lesson, but i don't, because such is the nature of me. i never learn. see, the thing about it is that when i'm drunk, i can be outrageous and say anything and everything and i throw myself onto whoever will have me. whether that's a man old enough to be my father (probably older than my father) who kisses like a goddamn washing machine, an absolute psycho who looks like he might drag me down an alleyway and chop me into pieces and sell me on the black market, a woman old enough to be my mother (but at least she seemed semi-normal). i think it stems from two things: i never got to have that phase where you're allowed to be messy and you're allowed to be chaotic and you're allowed to make mistakes and be a stupid drunk bastard. or rather, i'm having that phase at a mature age. late bloomer, call it. everybody else had gotten over that phase by the age of nineteen or so. i'm just starting mine now. i'm a goddamn liability when i'm out, and i feel sorry for my friends. and the other thing i think it stems from is my deep, deep insecurity. i'm so desperate for attention, i need people to like me and want me and nobody's ever liked me and wanted me so when somebody does like me and want me i don't even think about whether i like or want them back. i'm just chasing the high of "holy shit, this person thinks i'm fuckable" and i just go for it. i just need to be needed.

i went out at the weekend to try and get rid of my stress, but all it did was give me more stress. i wasn't able to do work for university because of how shit i was feeling. i'm having problems with paperwork for my job and it's looking like i won't be able to start on time. this all is making me feel like my head is about to explode. and on top of that, i might have a health problem that needs surgery to fix it, and i just can't have that right now. i seriously cannot have this happening to me right now, i'm just away to move, i won't be back for six months. it better be able to wait that six fucking months because there's no way i'll be able to explain to my employer that "haha i know i've just come to work for you for six months but can i get a couple months off to recover from extremely invasive surgery?". it better wait that six fucking months or else.

at university the semester's almost over now, which means i won't see cute prof for a while. i'll miss that face for sure. i figured out why i'm so weirdly attracted to this dude in his sixties, by the way. it's because he kind of reminds me of eero heinonen. you know, of "the rasmus" fame. aka my "celebrity crush" between the ages of sixteen and eighteen, aka the reason i started learning bass, because i wanted to be cool and hot like him. i can't really pinpoint why my prof and eero remind me of each other. they don't look identical, but they look similar enough that you might reasonably believe my prof is... i dunno, vaguely related to eero. an uncle or something. quirky, mad-professor uncle. there's actually a photo of my prof when he was younger, and he has so much eero vibes. might be the chill, hippie kind of vibes, i'm not sure. anyways, i feel less weird about liking my prof so much now. it's just because he reminds me of my old celebrity crush lol.

well, this is me signing off, blog dearest. things aren't good right now, but it's fine i suppose. one good thing about going through it, is that i've written a couple of halfway-decent songs about it. songwriting is the best form of therapy.