2021.10.22 - pretending i haven't just lost a friend

listening to: augen auf - oomph!

well, today's a new day. today i'm not going to think about what happened yesterday. i won't dwell on it for longer than i need to; the sooner i move on the better.

yesterday i tried to comfort myself with funny videos and music and all sorts of creative endeavors. i really wanted to continue the painting i've been working on, but i was so tired i barely had the energy to do anything at all. my head just felt so frazzled and overloaded and heavy. all i really had the energy to do was play the same riff over and over on guitar. the intro to adios, over and over again until my fingers hurt. then i tuned the guitar down to drop c, and played the chorus of deutschland, again, over and over. there's something tremendously comforting about repetition. it calmed me down a bit, helped me ground myself when my entire world felt like it had been tipped upside-down. it still feels like some kind of sick joke, to be completely honest. i felt so strange and floaty and far away for hours after i found out.

but anyway, what did i say about forgetting about it! i wanted to do lots of creative things to make myself feel better, but i was so exhausted from the tiring day i'd had. in the end, i just heated up a microwave pizza, smoked a bunch of weed and then crawled into my bed to sleep. i wrapped myself up in the covers like a cocoon, because when i smoke i have to crack open the window, and it's cold as fuck outside these days. having to deal with the bitter, biting wind coming in through your window when you're just trying to get high really isn't the vibe. i slept well, and i've woken up feeling well-rested and calm. i had a weird dream, though; i always do. this time i dreamed about doing shrooms and getting pegged. i'm not entirely sure why my brain decided i needed to dream about that, but thanks anyway, brain. it was an interesting experience.

i'm not too sure what i'll do today. i know i have a bunch of adult things i need to do, like looking for an apartment and filling in some paperwork, but i really can't be fucked with that today. it always goes like this - i have responsibilities, i decide i really don't want to do them today, so i put them off until tomorrow... and then tomorrow comes, i really don't feel like doing them, so i put them off until the next day... and so on. at least i'm self-aware about it. i'm the same way about cleaning my room. i just have things laying around everywhere, like books and clothes and art supplies and plushies. i don't see a problem with it. i like having lots of things. other people think it's a mess, though, so i should probably get round to making my room look a little more socially acceptable.

i wanted to go to the gym, but i don't know if that'll happen or not. i might just stay inside all day and do what i wanted to do last night. work on that painting, listen to music, write some terribly self-indulgent fanfiction. it's what i deserve, in any case. self care and all that. i'm working on being kind to myself these days, not admonishing myself for being lazy or greedy or useless. sometimes we need days like this, days of rest and of self-care. i tend to overestimate the amount of things i can do during the week, and end up burnt-out and frazzled because i simply can't handle the amount of tasks other people can. i'm trying to stop holding myself to the standards of other people.

anyways, i should get out of bed and go make myself some breakfast now. who knows what the day may have in store for me? surely it can't be worse than yesterday. it can only go up from here. on saturday i'm seeing my friend, though i've completely forgotten what we were meant to do together. i think we wanted to go to the arcade? i can't really remember, though. and on sunday after church, i'm planning to meet my friend for coffee at the café on campus.