2021.10.26 - razor blades' gay ramblings
listening to: teufel - schwarzer engel
i'm not feeling too good today. pretty rough from last night, to be honest. i'm currently avoiding any and all responsibility - the missed phone call from my grandma, the emails sitting in my inbox, the message request from my classmate with whom i have to work on a project. i'm just ignoring everyone right now. i'll get around to it some point within the next few hours,
last night was pretty spectacular. i got to talk to S all night long. i didn't get to talk to him about this one thing i had on my mind, but we talked about plenty of other things. we basically ignored the others half the time, like we were in our own little world. i had so many nice moments with him yesterday, like sharing food, joking and generally acting like dumbasses together, the moments when we got so close to each other physically. how it felt to have him touching me, even in a platonic way. jeez. that boy is intoxicating. i forgot how wild it is to have a crush, how i do and say things i wouldn't otherwise because i'm just so brilliantly overwhelmed by their presence. he says jump, i say how high, etc.
i get the feeling i'm not really his type, and he likes me just as a friend, but i think he's wonderful all the same. when he left i just couldn't stop thinking about him. i wish i had said something smooth when he left, but unfortunately i am about as smooth as... something not smooth. idk. that's how not smooth i am! not gonna lie, once he left the night became a lot less fun. it picked back up later, though, once everyone else had gone home and it was just me and two others, and they were sitting there eating food while i chainsmoked. i really do turn into a chainsmoker when i'm drinking - i think i just like rolling cigarettes to have something to do with my hands. i rolled, then smoked, then rolled again, then smoked again, etc etc... i was giving richard kruspe a run for his damn money, the amount i was smoking. crazy.
i've gotta watch out with S, though. if we hang out more, if i'm not careful i'll accidentally catch real feelings for him, not just this stupid crush. i think he's amazing, and so sweet, and i'd really like to [redacted], but that's about where it ends. just a light-hearted sort of thing, yeah? i can't afford to become close with him and accidentally fall for him for real or whatever, especially since i'm leaving town so soon. i only have two more months here, then i'm gone. it's crazy to think about leaving.
i thought i'd have all my shit sorted out by now, but i don't. i started my visa application yesterday, though i don't know if i'll be able to finish it on account of not having all my paperwork yet thanks to my boss who seems to be pointedly ignoring my emails. and i've been looking for an apartment, though i don't really know what i'm doing because i've never moved out before. i'm still living with my parents right now, i don't know how the fuck i'm gonna survive on my own. it's like i'm being thrown in at the deep end - not only moving out for the first time, but moving out in a whole new country.
ugh. i really do feel like shit right now. my throat hurts like hell from all the smoking, though i'm kind of tempted to roll a quick one right now. i shouldn't. smoking's bad. when i came in last night i was craving a joint, but i was so drunk and tired i just took off all my clothes and crawled into bed to sleep. i couldn't be bothered doing the whole "put a hoodie at the bottom of the door to stop smoke getting into the rest of the house, spray air freshener everywhere, open my window and lean right out" routine i've had to do recently. my dad quit smoking weed and now all of a sudden he's the type of person who complains about weed smell all the time. he never seemed to notice it when he was doing it.
i still don't want to look at my emails, or my messages. it's the message that's freaking me out. just the notification that says "[classmate] wants to send you a message" makes me anxious. i don't know why. it makes me want to run away and hide. i'd honestly like to burrow underneath my covers in my bed and hide there forever and ever. i might actually do that, might go back to bed and burrow under the covers like i used to do when i was a little kid. it was so comforting.
unfortunately i didn't go to church on sunday, and i get the feeling i'm not going to church this sunday either, because S has invited me out. i'm going because i want to spend time with him, but the idea of watching him flirt with random guys at the club makes me feel a bit... not sad, not jealous, because i don't really think i have the right to feel that, but it just makes me feel a bit disappointed that it's not me. well, it'll be nice to hang out anyway. i'm looking forward to seeing my lovely friend S.