2021.10.29 - razor blades and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day
listening to: nelly - superbus
i'm so glad i'm not out right now. i was meant to go out with my friend, but she cancelled on me, which honestly made me feel a lot better. today i'm just not feeling so good, it's been a bad day. i woke up angry after dreaming about my ex-friend, then i had to get up early to work on classwork, then my boss flaked on me, then i went to the store to try and find a product to get rid of this fucking dye in my hair that just won't go away, then i ordered food which was totally tasteless and bland. and then i sat in my bedroom drinking schnapps, with a towel wrapped round my hair which was soaked in that colour removing shit (which was stinky as hell, it smelled like eggs), and when i rinsed it out it had done sweet fuck all to get rid of the colour. and then my dad started bitching at me for bleaching my hair so much, and i was like, why the fuck are you the one who's angry here? besides, it's my hair not yours, if i mess it up that's my problem, not yours. and i was in such a bad mood that i had to go and lie down in a dark room and listen to oomph! and not speak to anyone and pretend i didn't exist. my dad came to apologise later on, but i was already sad, and i just needed to be alone.
i'm so glad i'm not out, seriously. it was gonna be a halloween event, and to be completely honest i do not like halloween. i don't like holidays with the expectation to dress up, because costumes stress me the fuck out. if it were socially acceptable to show up to halloween events dressed normally, i'd be happy, but it isn't, so i'm not. i'm just not very creative with costumes. i don't have any characters i want to cosplay, i don't want to buy those mass-produced shitty halloween costumes, i don't want to bother with hair and makeup that just ends up looking stupid and rubs off after a couple hours at the party anyways. i don't really like halloweeny things, like horror and gore and creepy things. not that i'm scared of them, just that i'm not that big on them. i like vampires and werewolves, because hell yeah of course i do, and i think bats and black cats are cute as fuck, but that's about it. zombies make me feel kind of sad, for whatever reason. i think it's because they're all falling apart and decomposing and it makes me feel sorry for them.
honestly, now that i think of it, i might celebrate halloween in my own way. i have these vampire and werewolf characters i created for a creative writing assignment last year, i might draw them. fanart of my own characters! well, it wouldn't be fanart, since they're my own characters, but still, you get the picture. or i could write a vampire/werewolf story? not gonna lie, vampires are kinda hot. i kind of went through a bit of a vampirefucker phase earlier in the year (shut up don't judge me) and i still imagine getting bitten by some hot vampire guy. there's just something about being pierced by his fangs and drank until i look like an empty capri sun, okay?! don't judge me. it's not weird.
i'm considering going out with S tomorrow, like he asked me to. i think, since i'm not out tonight, i'll have the energy to go out tomorrow. that was what was kind of worrying me, was having the energy to go out two nights in a row, and being totally dead by sunday. if i play my cards right, i might even be alright on sunday to go to church! if i don't drink too much, and drink a lot of water, and get home at a reasonable time, i might be fresh as a daisy and ready to praise the lord. i don't think i have to explain why going to church hungover (or even still drunk! can you imagine?) would be a bad idea, especially when the priest wants to come up and chat and all the little old ladies are asking how i'm doing and i'm just there trying not to die.
i really miss god, not gonna lie. i'm feeling very far away from him right now, and i know damn well it's my own fault. i saw something the other day that made me realise - when i stray from god, he doesn't punish me by taking away stuff like food or water or shelter. instead, i'm punished because i lose that sense of closeness with god, my moral compass and sense of direction gets all screwy and i feel very alone. like any kind of relationship, it's on me to keep it up, keep talking to him all the time, keep reading his word and going to church. i used my prayer app last night for the first time in months and honestly i did feel the difference. when i was listening to the devotional, when i heard that bit of scripture, it felt like my internal compass got fixed. like i suddenly realised where my priorities lie.
not to be cliché or anything, but the most important guy in my life should be jesus. everyone else is just an afterthought. i feel like my constant crushing on random people i don't know that well is just a symptom of something missing in my life, a love i'm craving and not getting, and jesus' love fills that empty space in my soul. earlier on this year i felt so fulfilled and loved and whole, for the first time ever, but then i slipped, i kept backsliding and i'm still doing it even now, and then the random weird crushes came back. i'm craving from S something only jesus can give me. i need to get back to church, i need to put all my focus onto the only guy who matters. i know he's always with me, but i feel so far away from him all the time. and he knows i'll need him like crazy soon enough, when i'm moving and everything's changing and he's the only constant in my life.
anyways, i'm away to roll a joint and listen to oomph! and write a songfic of aus meiner haut. tschüss!