2021.11.09 - miscellaneous thoughts

listening to: jetzt oder nie - oomph!

i have not abandoned this blog! i've just been rather busy. here's a little rundown of what i've been up to recently: did university work, went out with friends, spent time with family, slept a lot, smoked a lot of weed, listened to a lot of music. ate pizza. daydreamed fanfiction ideas a lot but never did put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard, as the case may be). thought about religion a lot. got that st benedict medal i was talking about. prayed a couple nights in a row. i have a three day streak on my bible app! i'm getting back into the habit.

you know, i really like talking about religion on this blog because there's not really anywhere else i can talk about it. as i'm sure i've mentioned before, i'm in a very non-religious environment. most of my family and friends are atheist, and those who aren't atheist are pagan, which makes it a bit difficult to be confident and loud about my faith; i get the feeling people think religious people are just stupid and deluded and brainwashed. but i was really proud of myself when i went to that party with my friends. one of the people there referred to me as a christian, and my friend turned to me like "no, you're not christian, right?" but i corrected them! i didn't go all weird and preachy on them, i sort of turned it into a funny jokey type thing because that was the mood we were all in, but i felt glad that i was able to affirm my belief in jesus. love you, big man j dawg. i'm really not the evangelist type, but it felt good to think that maybe i was opening their mind, maybe planting a little seed in there, to be curious about jesus and who he is and what he's done for us. i'm not trying to turn all my friends christian, but the thought of softening their hearts a little and maybe getting rid of some of the preconceptions they have, that would be nice. because god surely knows that before i got to know him i had all kinds of nasty preconceived ideas about christians!

speaking of, i was looking up some churches in my area and i found out that we have one of those big american-style evangelical megachurches. isn't that crazy? i'm not trying to leave my current church, i think it's a nice little community, but the congregation is so old (not trying to talk bad about them, but i'm the only one under 50 who goes there) and i'd really like to get involved in christian events for young people, so i was looking up churches to see if they have young adult groups. i found this megachurch, and oh man. they're so... polished. they've got immaculate social media presentation, they've got all that pop-rock sort of christian contemporary music, they're all about looking cool and trendy and fun. but i watched one of their sermons on youtube and it seriously bored the shit out of me. my pastor, you really want to listen when he speaks. he's fun, he's friendly, he knows us all by name, in his sermons he keeps it light-hearted but serious. he has such good energy, and he always wants to stop and chat and see how you are. but this megachurch pastor? complete opposite. he was incredibly dull, the sermon was like two hours long. i'm glad i didn't watch the whole thing because i'd probably feel like hitting my head against the wall by the one-hour mark. he didn't have good energy, he spoke with zero passion or humour, it was like he was talking at the people instead of to them. but i suppose it would feel like talking at people when you have so many congregants before you. i wonder if he knows each of their names, if he stops to ask them how they are.

anyway, i've been thinking a lot about oomph! lately. specifically, flux. i don't know why, i seem to have a weird crush on him. weird because i'm half his age. he's the only fifty-four year old guy i genuinely find really cute and adorable, for whatever reason. i find all the guys from rammstein very handsome, in their own individual ways, but i think they were attractive when they were younger. flux has a really pleasant face to look at, i think, and he only gets more attractive with age. like a fine wine, you know? nice cheekbones, and pretty eyes, and the little grey beard is nothing short of spectacular. and his energy is fucking adorable. his love for taking selfies and posting his latte art on instagram is so endearing lol. there's something particularly sweet about band members who are so enthusiastic about posting their everyday goings-on on social media.

also, i really need to take a tolerance break. see, my problem is that when i move, i won't have any contacts in my new city, so i won't be able to get weed. therefore, i'm trying to make the most of the weed i have while i have it, leading me to smoke every single night and get a super high tolerance. it takes a lot more than it used to to get me high, and it frustrates me. but do i have the self control to take a tolerance break? not particularly. i might smoke tonight, maybe i won't. only god knows if i'll smoke!

speaking of god, this brings us right back round to the religious themes. i'll leave you with one last thought for the night: i've been writing songs about/to jesus. i keep coming up with little snippets of lyrics that i really like, and here's one i thought pleasant enough to post on here: "o living water, quench my thirst / i love because you loved me first". okay, that's all! goodnight!