2021.11.12 - teacher's pet (or, how i learned to stop worrying and love my professor)

listening to: le monarque des indes - pierre lapointe

thursdays are simultaneously my favourite and least favourite day of the week. favourite because i don't have anything to do on fridays, therefore thursdays are my fridays - least favourite because of the sheer amount of things i have to do on thursdays. i have classes from the morning until the evening, without a single break, and it leaves me feeling exhausted and hungry because i don't even get a quick fifteen minutes to eat something.

i was so exhausted that i came home, had dinner and fell into bed for a nap. i napped from nine pm until one am, and now i'm sitting awake, wondering if i should go back to sleep before i have to see my friend later on today.

i saw hot prof yesterday in class. well, not really hot prof, as such, but... cute prof, on whom i've been nursing somewhat of a crush for the past year or so. when i think about it, i don't think it's particularly a crush, but more of a fascination, an admiration of sorts. the first time he taught me was when covid hit, and we had to do classes online, and he had his headset on and i guess he was trying not to talk too loudly since his microphone was so close to his face. so he ended up giving our lecture in this low, soft voice, with this unexpectedly sexy accent, and it sounded so sensual it gave me butterflies. i was still with my ex at the time, i was doing the class from his bedroom, and i suddenly felt very alarmed and embarrassed about the fact that i was sitting with my boyfriend but getting flustered over this random old guy speaking intimately into a microphone. (now that i think of it... what if my prof did asmr? i'd watch that. his voice definitely suits it.)

and since then i've just thought he was absolutely brilliant. if i thought my crush on flux from oomph! was weird because flux is in his fifties, my crush on my professor is even weirder because prof is even older than that. i don't know how old exactly, but i'd hazard he's in his sixties. at the risk of sounding crass, i'd definitely put him in "gdilf" territory. well, not even gdilf, since i'm not really into him in that way. my feelings towards my prof are more emotional and sensual than overtly sexual. i find him incredibly cute and charming, and when he goes off on tangents i think it's adorable. he really does cut the figure of the stereotypical disorganised genius professor. he always looks so discombobulated, but he has the most fascinating things to say. i think he's magnificent. whenever my classmates mention him i have to try very hard not to seem like i like him too much. that'd be big time humiliating. the last time my friends knew i had a crush on a teacher was when i was fifteen and i was head-over-heels for this pretty young teacher who came to teach at my school. so i set about becoming the teacher's pet, and worked really hard on her subject so that i could know the most out of all the class and get her attention. (it worked, and i felt very pleased with myself.)

in any case, i was very happy to see cute prof today. seeing him again really inspired me to continue on the novel i abandoned last year. it doesn't have a title, or even a working title, but it's about a university student who enters a relationship with his (much older) professor. yes, yes, it's all terribly self-indulgent, leave me alone and let me be gay in peace. to my credit, though, it's not just some two-dimensional thinly-veiled-self-insert shit, my characters are very much unique fleshed-out people of their own. it's not so much that i want to write about me and my prof, it's that i want to write about the dynamic between a student and their professor, you know? the feeling of admiration and love that the student feels towards the professor. and i want to write about it as something two-sided, almost to give myself that reciprocity i can't have in real life? because god knows if i ever did try and confess my feelings for any professor, they'd shut me down in an instant and i might get some kind of disciplinary thing. because that shit's against the rules, for good reason. but i can't help being a hopeless romantic.

ah, when will i grow up and stop falling in love with anyone who shows me the tiniest shred of kindness? it's really quite embarrassing.

p.s. you know in the last blog post, how i said i wanted a tolerance break from smoking weed? my break lasted all of one day lel i have no self-control