2021.11.16 - pangs and cravings
listening to: funny like you - onni boi
i'm tired today. i know it's only tuesday but gosh am i tired. i went to class today, i prepared classwork. i got that st benedict medal i was talking about ages ago (and a st benedict bracelet and some holy water to boot). i'm feeling suitably equipped for some badass spiritual warfare. try and touch me now, bad spirits! i've been getting back into praying, which i'm quite pleased about. i'm trying to quit weed (or at least cut down) which is extremely difficult because i am quite a big stoner. but i figured that all you have to do is pray, distract your mind, pray and pray until you get all relaxed and chilled out and then you can go to sleep without any herbal assistance, so to speak. see, my main problem is going to sleep without weed, since it's become sort of a habit to smoke before bed; going to sleep sober feels quite impossible. but if i pray, i can do it. praying's sort of like meditation, it gets me totally chill and ready to sleep. plus, it's nice to talk to god before i go to sleep, it's a nice way to end the day!
i'm already feeling the effects of my renewed interest in praying. before i went to sleep the other night, i prayed really hard that god would help me do something i needed to do, something that i was really scared about and was convinced i'd fuck up. and when i was asleep, i dreamed about doing the thing, and i dreamed about doing it really well. i really do think that dream came from god, i just felt it, you know? and i felt so at peace, so totally at ease, and i was doing the thing so easily. and when i woke up i felt calm and confident and ready to do the thing, and when i did the thing it turned out just fine. it's all thanks to the big man in the sky! seriously, he helps me so much.
i prayed this morning too, and it was such a refreshing way to start my day. if i had time, i would've read the bible too, but i didn't, so i didn't. i've had a good day. i saw him today. he looked quite lovely. i seriously couldn't keep my eyes off him. my eyes kept drifting down to the bottom of his t-shirt, trying to catch a glimpse of his stomach or whatever. and i kept ripping my eyes back up and looking away or around the room. no, bad razor blades. stop being a pervert. and then i got to thinking what it might be like to kiss his neck a little bit, and then i suddenly got the irrational fear that someone might be able to hear my thoughts, so i shook them off and said: dear lord, please help me get rid of these impure thoughts. and then i was fine! you know, i'm no prude, in general i think there's nothing wrong with fantasising about people, or having those sorts of thoughts at all, but it feels very wrong fantasising about someone when they're right in front of you. it just feels like it crosses a line, if you get what i'm saying. mostly i was just scared that he would somehow be able to hear what i was thinking about him.
i was meant to be smoking tonight but i met my friend today and she told me we might be able to meet up on friday. if i go to her house on friday, we'll smoke then. otherwise, i'll smoke on my own on friday night. and until then, i'll just keep praying for the lord to deliver me from temptation! i can surely last a few days without it.
also... these are mostly afterthoughts, i shan't dwell on them for too long in this blog post, but fuck. i miss H. i've been meaning to pray to god to help me get over V, but holy fucking shit do i get these pangs of missing H sometimes. i should pray that i'll get over H too. it's been months since he left, but there's still a hole in my heart where he used to be. i still think of him when i listen to music sometimes, or when i'm drinking on my own. i've mostly gotten rid of everything that reminds me of him, but when i do find something that reminds me, it hurts all over again. god, i miss you so fucking much.
anyway, i'm going to go pray, then sleep. goodnight, blog.